Men of Valour and Honour
What makes a man? This is a question that has been discussed ad nauseum and somehow the definitions are many and varied.
When my father passed away in November, I remembered the glowing tributes spoken of him in terms of his values, what he stood for and his physical strength and sporting excellence. The key thing was that he was honourable – nobody gave two hoots about his asset sheet or bank balance. He was revered for standing upto a Defence Secretary in refusing to assassinate prisoners. He was asked to leave the Army because of that and 35 years down the line, people still remember and revere him for it. I knew this but I did not realise how impactful his actions were – especially now with IGPs and Defence Ministers being given death sentences and CEOs dying under suspicious circumstances, it is painfully obvious why taking that stand matters. You do not sacrifice your dignity for money and favours. It will screw you over eventually. This honour is for me, one of the things that makes a man.
I had the misfortune of dealing with a weakling who kept calling himself ethical, till I witnessed him initiate and see through some very unethical inhumane things. I realised then, that men who bleat about themselves and their virtue are a bunch of bullshit artists who need to be called out for the hypocrites they are. My father never went around calling himself ethical – he didn’t need to. Weak fools with fragile egos and not much substance are constantly in need of validation and hence they do this.
Another encounter with a former Navy Commander made me realise how fearless men can be. I put this down to the fact that they have faced death, time and time again and have had to lead men through such situations with confidence and conviction. You can’t be simple minded and be doing such things. I remembered my father again – physically he was fearless. At 25, he led a mission to recover the black box from the Martin Air crash in the 7 virgins mountain range in Maskeliya, climbing some of the most treacherous routes in the mountains.
Then I look at those of us who have grown up in the comforts of a city home with nothing much to physically challenge us. The triathlons and other sporting events that I would put down to being a midlife crisis of the privileged is nothing compared to the physical strength that men have endured and pushed. When the news that Nirmal Purja had perished was shared – I had never heard of him before – I read up on him and realised how much people push the boundaries of what is considered physically or humanly possible. This realisation makes me want to laugh at the many men who strut around with a Garmin watch, some resting heart rate they think is great and some tiny achievement which nobody really gives a fuck about. Because honestly, in the grander scheme of things, what the Dickens is that? If I were to compare just my father and his friends and fellow military men who have done some incredible things physically and mentally, these little bits of achievement pale in comparison.
This is not to belittle anyone’s choices and decisions to push boundaries. But then again, it begs the question, what have we achieved as humans if we are to be comfortable in our little holes of routine and comfort? Because adaptability is the hallmark of evolution – the refusal to do so ensures annihilation in the long run. If many of us sit comfortable and in a hole, then how does one progress as a society? I am speaking here of the privileged who will be reading this. Not those who are struggling to survive – they push boundaries daily. And it is this adversity that makes them survivors and some, great achievers.
One area that not many talk about is vulnerability. To be immensely strong, you also need to be vulnerable. Because that is when you are not in control – when you trust that your vulnerability will not be abused or exploited or when you know you can still handle it if it were. How many men can be truly vulnerable? Showing their true selves to others? Patriarchy has ensured that most men are still shamed for being vulnerable, for asking for help and for acknowledging the moments of defeat. Surely being vulnerable is an achievement that most don’t realise is immensely important?
Because today achievement is money – flashy cars, fancy watches, ripped bodies and some social media account portraying happy families. But that’s fluff. It’s nothing. Work with most of these men and you are reminded why there are many women who prefer to be single than be married to such men.
So what really makes a man? For me, honour and integrity are hallmarks, and bravery – courage in the face of the unknown and the ability to be vulnerable. Taking the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked – the current state of the country is a good reflection of that.
