The Letter I Will Never Write…
The letter I will never write. The song I can never sing. The words I can never say…
It took me years to get over the fact that you are an asshole. Not only because you call yourself one, but because you actually are one. You are not bad. You are not evil. You are not some monster. But you are selfish. You are self absorbed. And you are an abysmal coward who cannot face his own feelings.
For years, I told myself this could happen. That you would somehow overcome your own hangups, grow up and face the fact that you had fallen for someone. After years of telling yourself you will never have feelings for a woman, here you were, with those things called feelings. Oh dear. Denial is a great barrier to hide behind. And so you hid. For years. But your actions were always contrary to what you said.
You claimed I meant nothing to you but the thought of me with another man drove you to call me, accuse me of stalking you and spreading rumours and led you to block me on every possible platform of communication. If I meant nothing to you, why the trouble? You claimed I was just a fling. Why tell me your life story then? Why spend months talking? Flings fuck and go their way. There is no bonding there. Clearly your definition of a fling has a problem.
Your inability to want to commit to a relationship is something that stems from your own childhood. From your relationship with your mother. It must be a mess for you to call your own mother a bitch. Yet you don’t seek help. Coz you’re a man right? And men don’t need help. They just sit and wallow in their own pit of misery and drag everyone around them down to that level too. Great. Such maturity.
Countless times I tried talking to you and yet you kept running away. You kept denying and you acted like a baby. You think earning money, owning a car and wearing fancy watches makes you a man? No sunshine. What makes a man is his ability to deal with himself and the situations he is faced with. What makes a man are his morals, his values and his behaviour. What makes a man is his decency and his ability to self evaluate and seek help when required. Not to be hiding behind a façade of bravado which works in the movies and not in real life.
How do I know that you need help? Coz I went to a psychologist. To make sure that I had not gone off the track in assuming that you had feelings. To make sure that I was not hallucinating. To make sure that my mind was kept in check and that I let it heal so that I would not make the toxic mistake of ever falling for a man like you again.
It hurt. It took a lot to get over the fact that what could have been was not. And it’s fine. I am actually able to deal with it. It took years but instead of denying it and hiding, I faced my feelings and let them take their course. There is still a pang but it’s a dealable pang. I will not make the mistake of ever trusting someone like you again. I know the warning signs to look out for. And I am glad.
I don’t hate all men because you hurt me. That’s stupid. I will just be wary of who I trust. And that’s not too bad actually.
I don’t hate you either. I actually wish you well. I hope you learn to find happiness coz there is potential for decency in you. Sadly you don’t seem to see it. But to each in their own time.
Since we do not talk, and I doubt we ever will, I am writing this letter. Perhaps you will read it someday. Or perhaps your skin has grown so thick, you won’t realise. No matter. As long as it’s out there – perhaps it will prevent another ‘asshole’ from venturing down the same path.