It is Well with my Soul
‘It is well with my soul’…how I long to say this. When one reaches that plinth of contentment knowing satisfaction in the midst of chaos and imperfection, only then can one say comfortably, ‘It is well with my soul’. My soul must know ease, respite and acceptance. Right now my soul is lurking somewhere in the pendulum of my mind, which is swinging from ‘yes you can’ to ‘no it’s impossible’.
Story of many of our lives.
Many are the studies that prove our minds are far more powerful than what we give it credit for. It manifests with energies and it needs positivity to enact that what we want. If we believe, we can. Somehow this has yet to drill down to my wretched self. Years of doubt and anxiety have still managed to settle like a dusky rain cloud on a sunny day. Still I am determined but I wonder. Is my drive enough? Is my soul enough for me? Or am I still foolishly looking for external validation? It’s hard you know.
It’s hard to keep climbing when you keep tumbling down. When your journey is a climb to begin with but that I think is how life was meant to be. Living a mundane flat existence would never ignite passion, drive or creativity. Somehow I would rather have lived well, lived through hell, and lived, than just merely existed. Like some shell. I am not a shell. This I know. It’s somehow a bit hard convincing my wary mind of this fact.
Battle scars are often festering wounds that run like rivulets through our veins. And if we do not heal those wounds, they continue that destruction even decades later. Today I had a chat with a friend whose childhood sexual abuse led to her depression, eventual breakdown of her marriage and health issues. She is finally addressing these with a therapist. It takes guts to do this. I know, coz I myself am in the midst of sorting out issues with a psychologist. And it takes a damn strong conviction and commitment to change certain things we say and do in order to heal from that grief. Right now, I am trying to let go the anger I hold against a family bitch. It’s not easy but I see the pointless nature of this hate I hold. And it stems from childhood wounds. Wounds that haven’t healed for 30 years. What the fuck.
Hence my great belief that parents should be given a licence to have children. Not just put children out there like puppies on the street – dumped and left to fend for oneself. You either survive or get run over. But this is Darwinian survival of the fittest at its finest. Almost a paradoxical situation – we have been humanized to uplift the downtrodden and somewhere there is a notion that only those that are strong and adapt, survive. It’s a tough conundrum. Covid 19 has brought this rather starkly to the fore. Right now it’s a stinking race of privilege, a show of power and influence and an almost helplessness in the face of those who wield the tools to help us heal or fight.
In the midst of this, life goes on. Work, studies, lectures, friendships, exercise, cooking, cleaning etc. And so one is not necessarily taskless. Yet many have been forced to question their existence – this is what existentialism is. And it’s good. For people like me who have been existential for a while, it’s no surprise. But for many, they are in crisis. The men who go to work – the corporate dogs – are lost. They are driving out of their houses and using any excuse to creep into office coz their sense of self is in question. They are stuck at home with wives, domestics and children; a reality they have avoided for years. Now it’s smack bang in the face and they can’t take it. Many marriages must be undergoing trials as to whether they are actually compatible or not.
It’s tough. Times are tough but I personally feel that is how one grows. It’s a darn messy process but it is what it is. Just that dealing with those who don’t deal or cannot deal is a fucking pain. Like bosses at work.
It is late. Tonight was productive and still not satisfactory. My patience needs plying and working on. My sense of self worth needs a boost. Wish I could apply my impatience to my sense of self worth. That way I can put the effort where it’s needed. Sigh. We shall persevere, we shall endure and we shall get there. Someday. Soon.
It will be well with my soul.