My Greatest Failure is that I Never Really Failed
I have been for some time chasing this elusive dream of success – good job, high pay, fancy car, job satisfaction blah blah blah. And I have yet to truly discover what it is. I honestly can’t complain – I have a job, I live well, I have famiily, I have my music & creative outlets and I have amazing friends, I am not starving and I am not in want by any means. BUT I am not happy. Or rather satisfied with what I have. I feel there’s more – much more and this nagging feeling has been plaguing me for a while.
I left my corporate job in 2014 and thought of ‘discovering’ myself. I worked part time according to my own terms – I had income but not as much as before – but it was good. However after a while I got bored. This was not ‘the life’. I felt I needed something more challenging. So a good opportunity came my way rather randomly and I went back to being a corporate whore. But of course, it is infinitely better than before and I feel I can do something. BUT. That BUT is still there. If anyone asks me what my goal in life is I will give answers like ‘I want to be happy & successful’, ‘I want to inspire & be inspired’ and very vague and profound notions like that.
But you know what? I am comfortable. I am in a beautifully comfortable, relaxed RUT. AND I am snug as a bug in this bloody rut. I know I can do so much more with my time and my life but I have not. And my procrastination is frustrating me. I am NOT pleased. I WANT more. I NEED to DO more. And my LIFE is going on, TIME is passing and I am still where I was about 5 years ago – better than before but with no real progress. Because I know I can carry on in this way. For decades even. But at the end of it, I know I will look back and hate myself for not going that extra mile. For not getting out of my comfort zone. For not achieving that impossible dream. And that is not on. No F***ing way.
The root cause of this is because I have always had safety nets – family, friends, people who were there and who care. I have never truly hit rock bottom and had to pick the pieces myself. I have gone without food but there were people who would give me. I was never out on the streets. I never truly had only my wits to see me through (though I have had some pretty close shaves). I never had to take a real Risk or a chance where it was a do or die situation. But I think if I had hit rock bottom like that, it would have pushed me out of my bloody rut. But I never truly failed in life. And I think that is my greatest failure.
So now, I can’t force failure. But I can plan goals with timelines. And I want to see them through. I think definite choices and decisions and implementation of these goals – no matter how small – is important. I am looking out of my cocooned comfort hole and trying to see what life is like out there. I know there’s a greater purpose for me, and I am the only one who can make it happen. It is only I who can achieve it for myself.
So I am not waiting anymore. I have been waiting for ‘that moment’, for ‘success’, for that ‘discovery’ for too frigging long. I have only been waiting for Godot. I cannot wait anymore.
Goal No. 1 – Write my goals, set a timeline & commit to them.
It’s not gonna be easy coz procrastination is my best friend and worst enemy. But I will do it.
Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. What are you waiting for?
