Life is Absurd – Accept It
Life can be crazy with insanely polar things happening at the same time. I realised this in the past month where I faced many challenges and experiences that made me realise life is indeed absurd at times but one can’t dwell on this. You gotta keep moving.
Earlier this month I was waiting in hope for a change in a medical diagnosis which did not happen. I have no reason to have my condition but it is what it is. And hence my medication continues. It is very frustrating because I actually put in the work to eat balanced meals, exercise and get rest and recreation. Yet this damn thing is there – an anomaly. I had to accept it and just move on with it because that is life. And my frustration and anger was not going to help at all.
I went on a trip to an archaeological site in Haththikuchchi. It involved a 4.5 hour bus ride. I was lucky to get a seat en route but my return had me standing for 2.5 hours and I really felt the pain of those who do this regularly. Mind you, I am fitter than most, but this was tough. The men were chivalrous and kept trying to look for opportunities for me to sit down. I noticed how two old ladies exchanged seats throughout the long commute. It was heartening but at the same time exhausting. When I finally got down, I met the other two people I was with and was told how the guy never got a moment to sit. I felt bad because I realised the women are prioritised on these long bus routes whereas the men are expected to endure. It is not impossible but it is frickin hard. It reminded me again of the absurd privileges we enjoy in urban centres whereas the majority hang on in grimy buses. Another surprise was how expensive the ride was at 670 LKR. That’s a lot. People bear this daily – how are they surviving?
A few days later I was annoyed that a family member who had borrowed my vacuum cleaner had not returned it having promised he would. Yes he is busy but so am I damn it. I work full time, do everything on my bloody own with zero maids and help and not even a partner to palm off something on. And here I was listening to some fucking busy tirade. Your lack of planning in your life is your problem, not mine. I was pissed off because I remembered how many women complain about the mental agony of planning whereas men sit around running from task to task with limited planning – they plan only their work. Here was I planning work, cooking, my studies, my writing, the house, taking my parents out for Christmas and so much more. And I had to listen to how only bloody work is what makes you busy. Work never ends. And if people can’t understand that they should not be living. I had a splitting headache after this episode, was really mad and had to speak to my psychologist friend to calm my head. Wtf.
Contrast this to the men on the bus who gave a damn about me getting a seat and then the urbanite who can’t plan his bloody life. Ugh.
In the middle of all this I had given myself two deadlines – and I met both. It was bloody tough with Christmas and everything else happening but I had to buckle down and do them. It was painful at times but I knew I had to do it. I also realised how much time I wasted scrolling social media. Such a waste, honestly. No wonder people had no time anymore.
Christmas has been a good polarised circus – on one end is opulence and extravagance and on the other is cutting down and rationing. People want to celebrate but not everyone can afford to do it as they like – a lot of people have trimmed their usual splurges and parties and yet it seems on the outside like people are spending more.
All these incidents made me realise how absurd life can be, how much it puts pressure on us as individuals and how we still need to persevere no matter what. Shit happens, life gets busy and complex and yet we have to box on and keep going. Part of me wanted the stress, pressure and other things to end but it never does. And understanding that can be very hard for people like me who like to fix things for the long term. But that never happens and so I am learning to accept that, though it can be very challenging. There are days I question my existence and there are days I have nothing left in me to hope and yet I go on like some wheel that knows it needs to keep turning. Just that now I realise that the direction and pace is what I need to choose and that it won’t be easy going, but we must.